I’m good at avoidance. I should be – I’ve had a lifetime of practice. What’s an eating disorder if not an attempt to escape from an unpalatable reality? Are there palatable realities? I’m starting to doubt it. My reality has been unpleasant of late. Unpleasant and challenging. It’s been a year. A year of surgeries, cancers, near-death experiences, hospital stays, and mental and emotional angst. … Continue reading I think well when I putter.
Abstinence isn’t recovery, but you can’t have recovery without abstinence. Just another one of life’s bureaucratic annoyances. If you spend time in treatment for addiction in one of its various forms, you’ll encounter the term “dry drunk.” That phrase describes someone who isn’t acting on their addiction, but who also isn’t recovering. They’re white-knuckling their way through and because of that, they’ll stumble. [i] You … Continue reading Abstinence isn’t recovery and other annoying truths.
I’ve been thinking most of the time, and I don’t like it. It’s not good thinking. The thoughts are about things that hurt. They’re dissociative daydreams in which I interact with my daughter, mostly to my advantage. I purge the hurt that is plaguing me by decimating her. I don’t like those trains of thought, so I generally redirect. I remain a nasty vigilante but … Continue reading I’ve been thinking some more.
I appear to be a pain collector. I saw a meme describing humans that way once – organic pain collectors – and the idea stuck. It’s like the description of us as “ugly bags of mostly water.” It’s on point. (ST:TNG) Part of the problem is that I lack walls once I let someone in my life. I grew up without understanding boundaries. It was … Continue reading Relationships and pain.
From Famine to Feast 