When there’s a problem with the plan (eating disorders are a pain).

I’m planning on pulling the trigger on some big changes. I’m setting aside the fact that I’m currently depressed. Yes, it will make things more challenging but I’m never fully not depressed anymore, anyhow so waiting for that day is pointless. It’s always possible a change might push my mood up to a more elevated level and since it’s unlikely to make it worse, there’s no downside to giving it a go. I’ve read a few (hundred) books about making positive changes. Recent perusals include ones on quitting smoking, increasing longevity via diet and exercise, and improving wellness with day-to-day activities like music therapy. I’m chock-a-block full of information. So, I decided to put together a plan implementing the bits and pieces of advice, based on changes I want to make to things I do on a daily basis...

A bit like a meat puppet.

Depression makes me feel a bit like a meat puppet. That’s a graphic description perhaps, but not an inaccurate expression of my current state. Depression leaves me here but not here; I am a body I haul around and put through the motions, a marionette, a pantomime puppet who is not a real girl. I walk and talk but the disconnect is huge; I feign emotions and connection but it’s an empty act. Depression makes everything unreal, distant...

Nothing breaks like a heart.

Some people don’t believe hearts can break. Some people believe broken hearts only come with age; you can’t experience them without a certain maturity. And some people believe broken hearts are terminal and forever, that it’s a “one and done” kind of thing. Bless them. They’re all entitled to an opinion. I, however, disagree. Hearts break, age isn’t a factor, and it can happen over and over again...

So anyhow, radiation.

It’s been an interesting few months. That’s actually an ancient Chinese curse – may you live in interesting times. Regardless of whether I’ve been cursed or not – and I suspect not despite my tendency towards self-pity – this last little bit has been tension-filled and fraught. I had an unfortunate result with a mammogram several months back. A “suspicious lesion” showed up and the tests and procedures that followed started a train in motion that’s proving difficult to get off...

Sex and religion.

Given the choice between having to discuss my sex life and having to discuss my spiritual beliefs, I’d choose the former every time. Not because doing so would be comfortable; I’m a fairly private person despite the blogging, not at all sanguine about sharing my kinks. What happens in Vegas and all that. No, I’d pick the sex option because discussing religion and spirituality makes me uncomfortable down to my bones...

Contemplation of the ideal woman.

I have an app because of course, I do. I’m a product of my time. The app is called “Stoic” and it’s rather impressive. Within its electronic parameters it has not only several essays written by Massimo Pigliucci, a professor of philosophy, but a variety of Stoic texts: Letters from a Stoic by Seneca; Meditation by Marcus Aurelius; and The Enchiridion and The Discourses by Seneca. So much information and inspiration contained in one little icon. I could be educating and enlightening myself near constantly. It makes the time I spend on Toon Town seem wasted...