Negotiating the contradictions.

I’ve mostly quit smoking. Kind of. I’m trying. I read Allan Carr’s book “Easy Way for Women to Quit Smoking” last week. He’s quite the guru and the book is the bomb; this is the best I’ve ever felt about quitting, despite the fact that I’m still sneaking a puff or two every so often. And yes, I know that’s the road to ruin or at least the road to back to half a pack a day but for some reason or other, despite my change in attitude and despite the interesting things I learned about smoking, I just can’t bring myself to fully cut the cord, pull the trigger, break the connection. The good thing is that those puffs are starting to taste quite nasty...

In search of ubiquity (be the same).

It’s an oddity of the human condition that we seek to be both unique and like everyone else. We have distinctions that set us apart but we crave the commonalities that link us together. Lately, however, it seems like we’ve lost sight of the fact that we’re of a type. That differences are okay and unanimity is not a requirement of the human condition...

My recovery reflection.

I can’t see myself properly. It’s frustrating as hell. I distort what I see when I look at myself in mirrors and reflective surfaces. This is unfortunate; I look at my reflection a lot. I need to because when I haven’t seen myself in a while – and “a while” can mean anything from seconds to hours – the image in my head starts to distort. I no longer know what I look like. I lose any sense of my appearance. I start to feel strange, warped, and abnormal. In my head, my self-image becomes almost cubist. It’s a very strange thing. I need to see myself in a mirror to reassure myself that I’m not really a freak...

I don’t always mind my delusional thinking.

I don’t always mind my delusional thinking. I find it helpful at times. It can make the consequences of poor choices more palatable. It can make difficult situations more tolerable. Delusional thinking can minimize potential conflicts; I don’t have to acknowledge transgressions no matter how egregious. Denial, after all, is more than a river in Egypt...