I went sailing this weekend. I’m not fortunate enough to have my own boat; however, my parents are; I went with them. Just them and me; it was nice, albeit a little odd and stressful.
Nice because I don’t get to spend all that much time with them by myself, notwithstanding the fact that they live in the same town. I see my mom a couple of times a week – we work out together, and my dad at family get togethers – once a month usually – or if I have something that I need help fixing. But just sitting and chatting time, not so much.
Odd because I struggled to be present. It occurred to me while doing so that I’ve spent a great deal of my life doing the same thing. I’ve tried so hard to stay calm and controlled, to not let my eating disorder take over, and to do everything right, that I’ve missed a lot of moments. I’ve been there but not there. Present but absent.
I regret that…