I can’t see myself properly. It’s frustrating as hell. I distort what I see when I look at myself in mirrors and reflective surfaces. This is unfortunate; I look at my reflection a lot. I need to because when I haven’t seen myself in a while – and “a while” can mean anything from seconds to hours – the image in my head starts to distort. I no longer know what I look like. I lose any sense of my appearance. I start to feel strange, warped, and abnormal. In my head, my self-image becomes almost cubist. It’s a very strange thing. I need to see myself in a mirror to reassure myself that I’m not really a freak...
"i’ve let things and people who are not me define me. i’ve let it happen for a long time. i took other people’s expectations of me and made them my own. at least, i took on what i thought their expectations were. i didn’t practice listening to myself. i didn’t learn how to be who i am. i wasn’t even sure how to figure that out."
"i have been what i call abstinent with my eating disorder for the last six months and by that i mean i have not thrown up. this is the longest i’ve gone without self-induced vomiting in twenty-seven years. there is a part of me that is amazed and grateful."
"i’m stuck. i’m not falling backwards to any great degree but i’m not moving forward either. i’ve landed in this space i call “not too bad” and i’m terrified to push beyond it."
"i write about self-care a lot and think about it even more but my execution of the same is still intermittent and challenging, which i suppose is why it remains on my mind."
"i want to be ms. barber when i grow up... i want her belief that her body is just one thing about her, and it’s not even the most important or interesting thing."