TRIGGER WARNING. i was walking back to the car yesterday afternoon, enjoying the warm sunshine when i was grabbed roughly from behind. an arm wrapped around my torso, pinning me, and even as i struggled, a cloth was put over my mouth, quickly rendering me unconscious. i didn’t even have time to cry out before … Continue reading there’s violence in them thar dissociations
"i’ve tried to kill myself three times, most recently in november of 2014. it is a bizarre thing to able to write that about yourself. it’s a strange thing to know about yourself, to know that you are capable of taking such drastic action. there was a point in my life, long past now..."
the behavioural impulses associated with my mental illnesses are at best, ones i’ll ultimately regret, and at worst, ones that are harmful. i fight against the negative urges, hate myself for having them, and give in more than i’d like but i don’t think about them at a level above stubborn resistance very often. why … Continue reading the problem with easy
"from a journal after a hard day: “my eating disorder makes me angry, mean, full of sharp edges, wholly self-centered, and judgmental as hell.” i suppose this is true for almost everyone who struggles; i know it’s true for me. catch me around a binge; i’m not a pleasant person to encounter. i’m angry and short-tempered, and i lash out in an effort to mitigate my guilt and self-hatred. i want people to hurt when i hurt. i want someone to blame."
we say “i get it”. we assume we understand the impact of people’s life experiences. at least i do, probably too often. there’s an arrogance to that.