"so i’m fat today but not fat. i have incongruity. what i know to be true and what i feel are utterly at odds. it’s a disconcerting and uncomfortable feeling."
"some topics come up more than others, in my blog and in my brain. i revisit this one regularly, because the desire to be beautiful takes up huge parts of my psyche and it’s killing me. analyzing my history and thought processes, unpacking what i think “beautiful” means and why i can’t be okay if i can’t meet the arbitrary and ever-changing definitions i impose are important things to understand"
"i would tell you that i love you more than my life, and that your existence is more vital to me than anything else in the world, and that your morning smiles give me a reason to get up every day –
“The events of my life are like the rolling of the waves, the changing of the tide, the shifting of the wind – they contain no judgment."
"the world is spinning too fast. the requirements are piling up and pressing me down, while my wants and wishes are shunted off to the side..."
"when you live with an eating disorder, you live in a state of waiting. you’re waiting for that magic day when you will be perfect. once you’re perfect, life can begin. when you’re perfect, you’ll be worth spending time on. when you’re perfect, you can start to take care of yourself. when you’re perfect, you can do the things you want to do, chase the dreams you dream of, and stand up for yourself. "
"The weirdest of thoughts show up in my head once I’m tucked in and ostensibly settled for sleep. Something about being prone inspires my brain to head off on weird tangents and analyze odd thoughts and questions. Last night was no exception; i was full of mental meanderings."