"sometimes having a mental illness feels like you’re surrounded by a wall. the wall serves several purposes: it keeps people out and away and keeps me safe, but it also keeps me trapped, tethered to the depression and anxiety that can make daily living so hard."
"i read stephen king’s “the stand” last weekend and it was fantastic. i enjoyed reading it immensely. i’m sure there are critics who disliked the book, and people who won’t hesitate to point out the flaws, and i will admit that at times his level of description is over the top, but at the end of the day the book did what a novel is supposed to do. it entertained me. it pulled me into the story and let me live in a different world for a while."
"i want to rip the sun from the sky. i want to silence the songbirds. i want to destroy the bits and pieces of happiness that are floating around outside. i want it dark and cold and rainy, so that everyone can share in the mood i woke up with today."
"there’s a poster taped to the mirror on my bedroom dresser that lists ten steps to take if your depression is acting up; things you can do to help fight the beast. number one is “are you hydrated?”... is water really such a curative? why were our ancestors so much better at getting enough? part of it is marketing, i’m sure.
"from a journal after a hard day: “my eating disorder makes me angry, mean, full of sharp edges, wholly self-centered, and judgmental as hell.” i suppose this is true for almost everyone who struggles; i know it’s true for me. catch me around a binge; i’m not a pleasant person to encounter. i’m angry and short-tempered, and i lash out in an effort to mitigate my guilt and self-hatred. i want people to hurt when i hurt. i want someone to blame."
recovery is very much non-linear, and it persists in being so despite my wishing that it was otherwise. you work, you stumble, you relapse, you sink. you drop low, back down into the pit. what makes it recovery rather than just a fall is what happens next.
"i started a regular meditation practice a little over a year ago on the advice of my counsellor. it took a while to develop it into a habit – it’s so much easier to adopt negative behaviours."