currently hating food

"i am having a problem with food and eating of late, in that i hate them both. this is a significant challenge when you consider that eating is one of the basic requirements for living."

just three pieces of toast

"somedays, i want to eat everything. it’s the only thing that will help, at least that’s what my eating disorder likes to tell me."

ostensible security blanket

"i’m not wearing my cheetah-print robe today and this is an unusual thing. i wear a robe or a jacket almost constantly; neither the weather nor the ambient temperature are part of the decision-making process. i don’t wear them to stay warm. i wear them as armour."

quiet mornings at the lake.

"there’s something that soothes when you sit by a lake, especially early in the morning, when the temperature has equalized causing the wind to drop off, and the water looks almost like glass, rippling gently as underwater streams flow. it’s a lovely slice of peace and quiet, available to me because even on vacation, i get up early."

navel-gazing my brain

"i get tired of all the navel-gazing i do, even if the part i’m analyzing is my brain and not my abdomen. which is not to say that i don’t spend a significant amount of time contemplating my abs..."

babies, bunnies, and mindfulness

"...if i couldn’t fix myself, then i would alter my world so at least home would be less problematic. life happens though, and now the design is in flux. chaos has moved into my sanctuary. life showed up..."

attempting suicide fundamentally changes you

"i’ve tried to kill myself three times, most recently in november of 2014. it is a bizarre thing to able to write that about yourself. it’s a strange thing to know about yourself, to know that you are capable of taking such drastic action. there was a point in my life, long past now..."