I’m not being metaphysical. I’m struggling with pain today. Real pain. Body pain. My hips, to be specific, and not in a conversion kind of way. Because I’ve done conversion too. But transmuted pain mostly doesn’t feel like someone is slamming you in the back of your pelvis with a sledgehammer.
At least they’re using a small one.
It’s not that I want to be a whiny bitch, exactly, it’s just that I want to be a whiny bitch and I can’t in my real life. Very few of the people in my life suffer from chronic pain of the severe variety. They mostly don’t get it.
But I can’t sleep. Suffering is optional, so they say, so I’m trying not to do that but the pain is making me mental, and weepy, and not clear in my thinking. I’m taking quite high doses of non-opioid painkillers that last for less than an hour. I don’t know what to do. The sauna helps some but I can’t live there.
And I’m still not sure if I can call this severe pain. The internet is no help. Experts break pain down into numbers on a scale but I want an outsider to confirm where I land. The chart tells me not sleeping moves this to high-moderate/low severe. I’m not sure I’m willing to believe it. I wish I could slide into other people’s realities to experience their pain and corresponding reaction. Then I can see if mine seem appropriate.
I worry about being a wimp.
Maybe the problem is the comparison one. I have experienced, on more than one occasion, huge pain. I write about some of it here. * And here.
There is no second here. I can’t find the blog piece I’m not sure I wrote. The short version: I need two hip replacements because of a birth defect on the left (congenital hip dysplasia) and damage to the right from a childhood disease called Legg-Calve-Perthes. The more the bones degrade, the closer I get to the replacement. The more the bones degrade, the more pain I feel.
The pain is not neuralgia bad. But neuralgia flashes. It’s not constant. This is a grinding, burning, dragging pain that dogs me all day, every day. I see my GP in two days and that’s great, but the referral to my surgeon will take a couple of months and then there’s the whole “surgery while COVID rages” thing. This means I’ll likely have to wait even if surgery is indicated.
As I told my dad, it might not be. This might not be bad enough yet. It might just be pain.
And that would really suck. Although the thought of the surgery also terrifies.
Rock, meet hard place.