(Side note: “trudge” is a good word. It doesn’t get nearly enough play.)
I hate being uninspired and I’ve been uninspired a lot of late. Knowing the cause – depression – isn’t really all that helpful; everything still feels like hard work and much of the work is getting left by the wayside. Knowing the cause mitigates the situation not at all.
I don’t like it when the writing goes. I don’t like it when the ideas don’t come. When sitting down at the computer feels like a chore rather than the blessing it is.
I haven’t gone back to working on my novel but I’m pushing on with blog posts even though I remain skeptical of the pointiness. One flat word following another, one step after another, onward towards eternity. I was starting to despair.
And then, inspiration of a sort.
So what? So what if I’m trudging along?
So what if I’m not currently inspired and thrilled with life? So what if dragging out the words feels like too much work to bother with, like pulling thoughts out through sticky caramel? Why are we, why am I so wedded to this idea that we are entitled to have everything we do be fulfilling and soul-satisfying?
Yet, apparently, this is a belief I hold. I feel resentful that what I want to do is hard. It seems unfair that we have push on when we don’t feel like it.
And, don’t I feel a little like an entitled snowflake? It’s called “work” and not “play” for a reason notwithstanding the fact that most of the time, it’s easy and fun.
But, I’m not a writer only during the times I’m inspired. I’m a writer when I do the work of writing. When I sit down and put in the work and the hours, lack of inspiration notwithstanding.
You don’t have to be inspired to do the things that need to get done. Nothing in life promises that.
You simply have to trudge along.
I do miss the near-continuous at times flashes of inspiration. I resent that life seems full of challenges and obstacles of late. I fantasize about a life of ease where I can be left alone to wallow in my feelings; where obligations and requirements can be abandoned depending on the mood. Where participating in life is optional.
It’s okay to wish for things to be different. It’s not okay to sit out life until they are, even when inspiration and fulfillment seem like pipe dreams.
You aren’t what you are only when things are easy. It’s how you perform when they aren’t that tells the tale.