What about podcasts?

I don’t listen to podcast. I wish I did, sort of. Some of them seem quite interesting. I try periodically but I find multitasking to them ineffectual; they don’t work as background noise the way music does. You have to pay attention. If I try to multitask while they’re playing, I don’t take in what I’m listening to and the task I’m trying to perform ends up half-assed. I have the same problem with audiobooks. I can’t do anything but listen and since that’s the case, I prefer to read. Sitting and doing nothing but listening is difficult for me...

Unclench your hands.

I’ve been having trouble meditating of late. I have a serious case of monkey brain and can’t seem to stop following trains of thought. The state of the world. Climate change. Politics. My kids. My parents. The oft-annoying cat. My depression. My self-harm. Last week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Did I remember to add bleach to the grocery list? My thoughts bounce like balls in my head...

When there’s a problem with the plan (eating disorders are a pain).

I’m planning on pulling the trigger on some big changes. I’m setting aside the fact that I’m currently depressed. Yes, it will make things more challenging but I’m never fully not depressed anymore, anyhow so waiting for that day is pointless. It’s always possible a change might push my mood up to a more elevated level and since it’s unlikely to make it worse, there’s no downside to giving it a go. I’ve read a few (hundred) books about making positive changes. Recent perusals include ones on quitting smoking, increasing longevity via diet and exercise, and improving wellness with day-to-day activities like music therapy. I’m chock-a-block full of information. So, I decided to put together a plan implementing the bits and pieces of advice, based on changes I want to make to things I do on a daily basis...

A bit like a meat puppet.

Depression makes me feel a bit like a meat puppet. That’s a graphic description perhaps, but not an inaccurate expression of my current state. Depression leaves me here but not here; I am a body I haul around and put through the motions, a marionette, a pantomime puppet who is not a real girl. I walk and talk but the disconnect is huge; I feign emotions and connection but it’s an empty act. Depression makes everything unreal, distant...

Nothing breaks like a heart.

Some people don’t believe hearts can break. Some people believe broken hearts only come with age; you can’t experience them without a certain maturity. And some people believe broken hearts are terminal and forever, that it’s a “one and done” kind of thing. Bless them. They’re all entitled to an opinion. I, however, disagree. Hearts break, age isn’t a factor, and it can happen over and over again...