Trying to be a better person.

I’m trying to become a better person. Part of the reason is to atone. I spent a great many years being not a good person. It’s a feature of eating disorders. They make you selfish and insular and shortsighted. I regret, greatly, a great many of the things I said and did when my eating disorder was at my worst. I would like, very much, to be a better person in the future. So, I decided to actively work on it...

Distrusting your judgement.

...I like to say I have awful judgement, that I’m a poor judge of character, and that I’m bad at reading signs but that’s just a knee-jerk, self-critical response. The truth is, I’m actually pretty good at it. In retrospect, a lot of my judgements and conclusions and feelings have been accurate. I just don’t listen to them. I ignore what I think, I ignore my gut. Because who am I to have an opinion or feeling about anything that directly affects me? Who am I to say what I think?...

Picky about clothes.

...I get overwhelmed by sensory input at times. I don’t like crowds, or even just a large number of friends together. I don’t like loud noises for sustained periods. I don’t like a lot of physical touch; hugs and arms slung around my shoulders are mostly a no-go. I don’t like excessive visual inputs – things like strobe lights start to bother me very quickly. And there are a lot of things I don’t like about clothing. I’d be probably go naked more often if I didn’t have that whole body-hatred thing going on...

If “ought to” was easy.

Wouldn’t it be nice if “ought to” was easy? Wouldn’t it be cool if we defaulted to health and life-enhancing behaviours? There are people out there who do; I read about them and see their inspirational memes all the time. They are my goal; I would love it my default setting was life-affirming. Unfortunately, when things get tough for me, I tend to do two things: withdraw from the world, and engage in harmful behaviours. This is not a winning philosophy...