Step by step camping.

Depression and anxiety are problematic. They have a negative impact on the way I think and feel about things. Depression and anxiety ebb and flow. Sometimes, I nearly succeed in banishing them; unfortunately, they regroup and swell and try to take over the whole of me once again. Often, they seem overwhelming, too big to battle...

You have to eat, even when you’re afraid.

Sometimes, I think if I take off the reins, the urge to eat will take over my world. I know where it comes from and what drives it, this feeling that I can’t ever consume enough. This feeling that if I start, I’ll never stop. It’s from the eating disorder, from a lifetime of restriction and deprivation. You can’t undo what’s been done. I can’t go back in time and eat the food now I didn’t eat then. But I worry that without the restrictions I still have in place, I’ll try...

Take a breath.

I was lying in bed the other morning, not sleeping but also not eager to face the day, when I heard thumps coming from the other room. After some internal debate, I decided it probably wasn’t zombies and got up. I expected to find my cat doing something she ought not to be doing, knocking over plants, perhaps. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be a small bird – a Toey – bashing itself on the window in a frantic attempt to escape. Poor, desperate, little thing...

The Perfect Form.

I don’t like change and I work hard to avoid it. Except sometimes. Mostly, however, that’s a truism. I don’t change my schedule. I don’t go to new grocery stores, even when I could save money by doing so. I don’t buy gas at the store across the street from my bodega even when it’s cheaper because I’m not familiar with it. I don’t vary the route I take through the neighbourhood when I walk. I don’t welcome new people. I do the same things at the same time on the same days and rarely change. I keep the same doctors and dentists, even if they aren’t doing the best job. Change is difficult for me. It’s agitating and anxiety-provoking...

Most problems don’t develop instantly; why do we expect them to resolve that way?

Generally speaking, problems don’t develop instantly. Especially emotional or metaphysical problems. There are exceptions: a blown tire or broken bone, for example, are instant. But the bigger issues – our depression, our apathy, our temper, our addictions, our maladjusted coping mechanisms – develop over a prolonged period. They start with a seed and grow until they’ve matured, often into a full-blown crisis...