"move through life slowly and do it with grace, grandma said to me. make your way like you’re walking through water; glide."
"i used to be a can-do multi-tasker. i could juggle jobs like nobody’s business. i was the girl you gave extra work to if you needed it done, especially if the timeline was sooner rather than later."
"we all want to be seen. we all want to be validated. why is it so hard? sometimes the problem is us. in my life, often it’s me. i want to be known and heard, but it’s hard to share the truth of my reality. i dole out bits and pieces of myself, sharing a portion of this and a smidgen of that, but i’m never fully exposed. i keep many of the dark bits hidden inside. i remain convinced that the reality of me is unhandleable and unsupportable."
is it odd to say you love something when the subject matter is dark? no matter, i do, mostly because it speaks to me. it reminds me of the mental rage that occurs when my bulimia is at its most active. it reminds me of the racing thoughts and the rage that swirls about inside. mental illnesses are hard but sharing the struggles is a beautiful thing.
I am sic
Binge and purge
This endless urge.
Out of place
Unworthy of the human race.
Worthy of comment
Worthless, I vomit
Bird in a cage
From the rope I will plummet.
Dead to his Word
Alive to their world
Baptised in blood
Yet drowned in the flood.
No peace here, just pieces
This war never ceases
For I am sick
And I am sic
I don’t write much poetry but I woke with the phrase ‘I am sic’ in my head this morning. Sic, as in the adverb placed after a quoted word to highlight that it is grammatically incorrect but is quoted in its original format. The poem hopes to describe how I felt in my lowest OCD days. It does not represent how I feel today, but I hope it may speak out to…
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"one of the most profound lessons i learned from my last stint at rehab came from a weekly group exercise we did. we were given a typewritten list of personal qualities with space beside each for checkmarks. some of the traits were good, some not so good. trustworthy or hostile. open or closed off. accepting or judgmental. you get the idea."
"i see you. i see your face and the muscles of your jaw, and the way your teeth sit loosely in your gums, too big for your face."
"I remember the moment my eating disorder took over vividly. I was insecure and self-conscious about myself even as a very young girl. I desperately wanted to fit in, to be popular, to be beautiful, and to be confident. To be “normal”. I desperately needed approval from my peers and from adults; i needed someone to tell me that i was okay because inside, for as long as i can remember, i have felt anything but. I have always felt less than, inadequate, inferior, and not enough."