i’m dying to be beautiful

"some topics come up more than others, in my blog and in my brain. i revisit this one regularly, because the desire to be beautiful takes up huge parts of my psyche and it’s killing me. analyzing my history and thought processes, unpacking what i think “beautiful” means and why i can’t be okay if i can’t meet the arbitrary and ever-changing definitions i impose are important things to understand"

going it alone

"last night i watched two episodes of “the great british baking show” on my pvr and ate leftover baked macaroni and cheese in front of the television for dinner, because i could. i skulked around on social media and made a bit of noise before crawling into bed without getting undressed. i brushed my teeth, but only because my eating disorder has left me dentally impaired and i try to bestow appropriate levels of care and attention on the ones that remain. i slept in the centre of the bed, with the cat at my feet, and i didn’t have to engage in a discussion with anyone on whether the window should be open or closed."

live your life as if

"when you live with an eating disorder, you live in a state of waiting. you’re waiting for that magic day when you will be perfect. once you’re perfect, life can begin. when you’re perfect, you’ll be worth spending time on. when you’re perfect, you can start to take care of yourself. when you’re perfect, you can do the things you want to do, chase the dreams you dream of, and stand up for yourself. "