"some topics come up more than others, in my blog and in my brain. i revisit this one regularly, because the desire to be beautiful takes up huge parts of my psyche and it’s killing me. analyzing my history and thought processes, unpacking what i think “beautiful” means and why i can’t be okay if i can’t meet the arbitrary and ever-changing definitions i impose are important things to understand"
"i would tell you that i love you more than my life, and that your existence is more vital to me than anything else in the world, and that your morning smiles give me a reason to get up every day –
“The events of my life are like the rolling of the waves, the changing of the tide, the shifting of the wind – they contain no judgment."
"the world is spinning too fast. the requirements are piling up and pressing me down, while my wants and wishes are shunted off to the side..."
"last night i watched two episodes of “the great british baking show” on my pvr and ate leftover baked macaroni and cheese in front of the television for dinner, because i could. i skulked around on social media and made a bit of noise before crawling into bed without getting undressed. i brushed my teeth, but only because my eating disorder has left me dentally impaired and i try to bestow appropriate levels of care and attention on the ones that remain. i slept in the centre of the bed, with the cat at my feet, and i didn’t have to engage in a discussion with anyone on whether the window should be open or closed."
"i miss the sounds of sprinklers running, splashing against houses and leaves, and soaking everything in their path. i realized, as i sat outside on a very warm evening smoking a cigarette, which yes, i know is bad for me, that i almost never hear sprinklers anymore."
"when you live with an eating disorder, you live in a state of waiting. you’re waiting for that magic day when you will be perfect. once you’re perfect, life can begin. when you’re perfect, you’ll be worth spending time on. when you’re perfect, you can start to take care of yourself. when you’re perfect, you can do the things you want to do, chase the dreams you dream of, and stand up for yourself. "