stumbling in recovery

"my recovery is not going well today. i’m struggling to hold the line, to hold onto a reality that isn’t the voices pounding inside my head, asking to be let out to play. “play” is a misnomer, because when the mental illnesses come out, it’s no longer playtime. my brain gets busy while my body gets quiet, in an agitated, pacing kind of way. i become exquisitely unproductive."

patience impaired

"i’m not innately patient. i’m not sure whether it’s nature or nurture, but i know my impatience is a problem. i used to think i was good at being patient, meltdowns while driving notwithstanding. it didn’t truly come home to me that i was piss-poor at waiting until my pod-style coffee maker broke. waiting five minutes for the coffee to brew? intolerable. i was raging."