"The weirdest of thoughts show up in my head once I’m tucked in and ostensibly settled for sleep. Something about being prone inspires my brain to head off on weird tangents and analyze odd thoughts and questions. Last night was no exception; i was full of mental meanderings."
"when i’m advising myself, my brain likes to spew out absolute crap and all too often, i follow it. why does the bad advice i give myself seem so much easier to pay attention to?"
"words are clumsy and imprecise, narrowing complex emotions into simple groupings of letters that do not adequately express anything, open as they are to misinterpretation and minimalization."
"my recovery is not going well today. i’m struggling to hold the line, to hold onto a reality that isn’t the voices pounding inside my head, asking to be let out to play. “play” is a misnomer, because when the mental illnesses come out, it’s no longer playtime. my brain gets busy while my body gets quiet, in an agitated, pacing kind of way. i become exquisitely unproductive."
"i’m not innately patient. i’m not sure whether it’s nature or nurture, but i know my impatience is a problem. i used to think i was good at being patient, meltdowns while driving notwithstanding. it didn’t truly come home to me that i was piss-poor at waiting until my pod-style coffee maker broke. waiting five minutes for the coffee to brew? intolerable. i was raging."
"i am immensely grateful to everyone who has taken the time to read what i write, comment, or follow me. you are so very much appreciated."
"i like to read books about religion and philosophy. they’re often helpful as i battle with mental health issues. i read an entry every morning, a kind of daily devotion practice, and i usually find something applicable to my current situation. of course, my inside voice tries to point out that i’d be much further along in recovery if i’d started doing this years ago, but i’m getting better at telling that voice to go away and leave me alone. it’s enough that i’m doing it now."