stumbling in recovery

"my recovery is not going well today. i’m struggling to hold the line, to hold onto a reality that isn’t the voices pounding inside my head, asking to be let out to play. “play” is a misnomer, because when the mental illnesses come out, it’s no longer playtime. my brain gets busy while my body gets quiet, in an agitated, pacing kind of way. i become exquisitely unproductive."

patience impaired

"i’m not innately patient. i’m not sure whether it’s nature or nurture, but i know my impatience is a problem. i used to think i was good at being patient, meltdowns while driving notwithstanding. it didn’t truly come home to me that i was piss-poor at waiting until my pod-style coffee maker broke. waiting five minutes for the coffee to brew? intolerable. i was raging."

not today

"i like to read books about religion and philosophy. they’re often helpful as i battle with mental health issues. i read an entry every morning, a kind of daily devotion practice, and i usually find something applicable to my current situation. of course, my inside voice tries to point out that i’d be much further along in recovery if i’d started doing this years ago, but i’m getting better at telling that voice to go away and leave me alone. it’s enough that i’m doing it now."