memories of joy

"i remember the sun was rising over the hills to the east. it was a beautiful morning, very much a perfect day. it was sunny, the birds were singing, a warm breeze was blowing, the sky was blue and white, and the scent of freshly cut grass was everywhere."

it’s hard to think clearly over the pain

"i can’t think clearly over the pain. it occurred to me that i’ve been in this situation before. metaphorically as well as actually. i often have trouble thinking over the pain. after all, isn’t that really what my mood-altering behaviours are designed to do? they help me escape from the pain that i can’t function my way through."

rip the sun from the sky

"i want to rip the sun from the sky. i want to silence the songbirds. i want to destroy the bits and pieces of happiness that are floating around outside. i want it dark and cold and rainy, so that everyone can share in the mood i woke up with today."

harmful behaviours are trying to sneak in through the back door

"i lost another tooth this week, and by “lost” i mean the dentist took it out and threw it away. there was too much eating disorder damage to repair."

the wheel keeps turning

"the wheels keep turning and life moves on. time passes whether you want it to or not. there’s no pause button and there are no time-outs. it doesn’t matter if you’re living well or poorly, if you’re struggling or things are fine, the sun rises and sets regardless."

who gets to define us, anyway?

"i’ve let things and people who are not me define me. i’ve let it happen for a long time. i took other people’s expectations of me and made them my own. at least, i took on what i thought their expectations were. i didn’t practice listening to myself. i didn’t learn how to be who i am. i wasn’t even sure how to figure that out."

abstinence does not make the thoughts grow kinder

"i have been what i call abstinent with my eating disorder for the last six months and by that i mean i have not thrown up. this is the longest i’ve gone without self-induced vomiting in twenty-seven years. there is a part of me that is amazed and grateful."