Recovery and growth, things that interest me, occasional deep-thoughts, and random poetry.
"i remember the sun was rising over the hills to the east. it was a beautiful morning, very much a perfect day. it was sunny, the birds were singing, a warm breeze was blowing, the sky was blue and white, and the scent of freshly cut grass was everywhere."
"i can’t think clearly over the pain. it occurred to me that i’ve been in this situation before. metaphorically as well as actually. i often have trouble thinking over the pain. after all, isn’t that really what my mood-altering behaviours are designed to do? they help me escape from the pain that i can’t function my way through."
"i want to rip the sun from the sky. i want to silence the songbirds. i want to destroy the bits and pieces of happiness that are floating around outside. i want it dark and cold and rainy, so that everyone can share in the mood i woke up with today."
"i lost another tooth this week, and by “lost” i mean the dentist took it out and threw it away. there was too much eating disorder damage to repair."
"the wheels keep turning and life moves on. time passes whether you want it to or not. there’s no pause button and there are no time-outs. it doesn’t matter if you’re living well or poorly, if you’re struggling or things are fine, the sun rises and sets regardless."
"i’ve let things and people who are not me define me. i’ve let it happen for a long time. i took other people’s expectations of me and made them my own. at least, i took on what i thought their expectations were. i didn’t practice listening to myself. i didn’t learn how to be who i am. i wasn’t even sure how to figure that out."
"i have been what i call abstinent with my eating disorder for the last six months and by that i mean i have not thrown up. this is the longest i’ve gone without self-induced vomiting in twenty-seven years. there is a part of me that is amazed and grateful."
