there are a lot of things on my need-to-do-right-now list all of a sudden and that generally means one thing. it does not mean that i’ve become a passionate adherent of the perfection and beauty that can be found with the skilful application of closet liners and space organizers. instead, it means that my anxiety is on the rise.
"when i go out in the world, i like to channel jennifer lopez. it’s easier to go out when i’m pretending to be someone else. i don’t have to worry about the qualities i have if i’m making do with borrowed ones."
the rules are inflexible and keep me focused on my eating disorder. they’re designed to keep you trapped. it’s really hard to have independent thoughts that do not, in some way, circle back around to my ED. that bitch follows me everywhere. she is determined and persistent.
"i started a regular meditation practice a little over a year ago on the advice of my counsellor. it took a while to develop it into a habit – it’s so much easier to adopt negative behaviours."
"it has been four months since i last threw up. this is something of a miracle. i haven’t gone that long without purging since my twenties, more than twenty-five years ago."
it’s a beautiful day outside. it isn’t raining and the skies aren’t dark grey and during winter on the west coast, it’s hard to do better. i could go out for a walk, get some fresh air, and bask in the real light but the thing is, i don’t want to. there are people out there.
we say “i get it”. we assume we understand the impact of people’s life experiences. at least i do, probably too often. there’s an arrogance to that.