november 29, 2017 you should just – i firmly believe that “should” is evil. “just” is an expectation that implies that the solutions are easy. put them together and you create a phrase i hate to hear and see. it’s a reasonable bet that anyone suffering from mental illness has heard that sentence opening at some point during their struggles. we hear it from friends, … Continue reading you should just
november 24, 2017 if i could paint my anxiety i’d build huge canvases splashed with dark, swirling colours that overwhelm, like violent, stormy waves, they crash over me, mocking my struggles as i fight for air, as i try to stay afloat. unrelenting, unceasing, pitiless, full of confusion and violence, they bury me alive and steal away light and life. it’s loud and oppressive and … Continue reading if i could paint anxiety
november 21, 2017 thighs i’ve met very few women who like their legs in the general and their thighs in the specific. we all seem to want them to be different. thinner, more cut, less fat, less flesh, and of course, a thigh gap. i admire people who love their bodies and appreciate them for their inherent grace and functional abilities. i’m not there yet. … Continue reading the thigh problem
gratitude and recovery Continue reading hold up the sky
november 15, 2017 recovering from an eating disorder is hard work. it’s a daily slog, and can be tiring as hell. complaining about it remind me that i’m fortunate. i’m here to complain, and too many others i’ve known and cared for aren’t. those thoughts, however, do more than that. they set off another round of self-criticism and negative judgments. according to my eating disorder, … Continue reading letting it go
november 12, 2017 my history with hotel rooms is complicated. sure, they’re great when i’m on vacation, but i have other hotel stories as well. i don’t really like to revisit my history but i’m slowly learning that if i don’t own my past, and forgive myself for it, and let it go, i’ll get pulled back into the pit. you have to be careful … Continue reading hotel rooms are dangerous places
daydreams are important. they can do more than simply help us momentarily escape from the demands of our life. they help us see and imagine our future. they help us define our goals. daydreams let us see the possibilities. sometimes. sometimes, however, daydreams are paralyzing. mine can be. oftentimes, they stop me from moving at all. what if your dreams start to feel less like … Continue reading daydreaming (nov 9, 2017)
november 5, 2017 in the storage banks of my mind, where the memories of thousands of episodes of bingeing and purging live, one always jumps to the front of the flashback queue. there are other episodes, worse episodes, more deadly episodes but it is this one, from my second year at university, when i was just twenty years old, that pops up with the greatest … Continue reading a bad day (nov 6, 2017)
the work of trying to let go of my eating disorder includes grieving. i am giving up a large part of my life, my coping mechanism, my support system. the important part is finding something worthwhile and healthy to replace it with. Continue reading grief (november 5, 2017)
october 31, 2017 first times are generally seen as something special. the first bath. the first laugh. the first step. the first day of school, the first dance, the first kiss. the first time you fall in love. we take pictures and share stories. we commemorate our firsts. there was no camera the first time i threw up after a meal. i didn’t share my … Continue reading first times
